The Only Man for Her Page 20

  Rachel was vaguely aware of the sniffs echoing in the room and very aware of the anguish she’d heard in Matt’s voice. A pain that shot straight to her heart.

  After a span of silence, April cleared her throat. “Thank you, Matt.”

  Rachel remained completely immobilized, torn between running to Matt or giving him—and her—time to recover. Yet knowing her husband had held their baby boy in his final moments gave her the comfort she’d craved for months. She also experienced a measure of shame.

  She had completely misjudged Matt by believing the decision he’d made had somehow been easy. She should have realized that the man who would give his last dime to someone in need, who’d spend however long it took to comfort a child when they’d lost a cherished pet would never, ever reject his own son. She’d been so caught up in her own anger and resentment that she hadn’t taken the time to understand her husband had been guilty only of protecting her. She’d failed to recognize his struggle to come to terms with his grief in order to reach this breakthrough. And he’d managed to do that without her help.

  “I believe we’ll take a break now before we have our group discussion.”

  April’s voice jolted Rachel back to the present. The overwhelming urge to find her husband sent her to her feet. She wanted to have some alone time with him, to thank him for being there for their baby when she hadn’t been able to. To tell him she was so, so sorry and that she’d never loved him more.

  She craned her neck to search the back of the room where people had gathered at the refreshment table. Yet she saw no sign of him.

  Rachel dropped the journal into her bag and strode to the table, where she caught April’s arm to garner her attention. “The new member? Do you know where he went?”

  April pushed her glasses up on the bridge of her nose. “No, I’m sorry, I don’t, Rachel. He called me about twenty minutes before the meeting to confirm the time. Normally I would have insisted he talk at length with me before he attended his first meeting. But he sounded so urgent, I was afraid he might be having a crisis, so I bent the rules. And since he didn’t fill out the usual forms, I don’t know how to reach him.”

  “I do.”

  April lifted a brow. “You know him?”

  “Yes. He’s my husband.” And he was definitely in crisis.

  Rachel didn’t wait for April’s reaction. She simply rushed through the center’s double doors and walked into the warm, humid night. She scanned the parking lot, and when she didn’t locate his truck, she made her way to the car and climbed inside. She could think of several places he might be. Places she’d usually go out of her way to avoid. But she’d do whatever she had to do to find him, scour every county-line dive, if that’s what it took. She had to tell him what was on her mind and in her heart.

  * * *

  “YOU COULDN’T HAVE WAITED until I got here?”

  He’d checked on the mare before he’d left to visit his dad and figured she was getting close to foaling. Obviously she’d been closer than he’d thought, he realized when he caught sight of the foal. A jet-black, spindly-legged foal that was completely dry and nursing, which led him to believe she’d been born at least two hours ago without his assistance. Nature had a way of taking care of these things, usually without his help.

  As Matt swung open the stall door and stepped inside, the broodmare nickered twice as if to say, “Who needs you?” He’d asked himself that same question on the way to the clinic. He’d like to believe Rachel still needed him as much as he needed her, but that was probably wishful thinking.

  He examined the foal more closely and drew some blood to send to the lab the following day, relieved to have something to keep his mind off what had transpired throughout the day. But the memories were still fresh in his mind, the feelings still raw. Once he’d started talking, he hadn’t been able to stop. And he’d intentionally left before Rachel had had a chance to seek him out. He wasn’t ready to face her yet. Not until he regained his emotional bearings. Not until he knew exactly what he would say to her.

  Once he’d finished tending to the filly, Matt grabbed a push broom and began to sweep the asphalt aisle that didn’t really need sweeping. He thought about changing out the stalls’ shavings, reorganizing the feed room, maybe even going into the office to check his schedule for tomorrow one more time. Anything to avoid walking back into an empty house, alone with only his memories and the temptation to drink away his troubles.

  When he saw the flash of headlights through the open double doors, he wondered who might be coming by this time of night. He didn’t recognize the sedan, but he had no problem recognizing the driver when she slid out the door. So much for waiting to have this unavoidable discussion with his wife.

  Even though it was warm outside, Rachel wore a lightweight white sweater over her blue blouse, along with an uncomfortable expression as she stepped inside. “Hi.”

  “Hey.” He had a lot he needed to say to her, but he was going to let her lead the discussion, at least the important part. “New car?”

  “Rental car. I decided to get my money’s worth before I have to turn it in tomorrow.”

  He set the broom aside and rested a shoulder against the wall next to the feed room. “Your dad called and said you’d made it back from Wayhurst okay.”

  “Yes. I also made good time. The drive wasn’t bad at all.”

  “Good.” They’d covered the generalities. Now what?

  She leaned back against the opposite wall and folded the sweater’s hem, back and forth. “I’m glad you came to the meeting. It was a nice surprise.”

  He hadn’t found anything nice about it. Necessary, but not nice. “I decided it was time, after I talked to my dad earlier today.”

  “How is he?”

  “Still in jail, by his own choice. He wants to serve out his sentence and stay sober for a while before he enters the real world.”

  “What exactly did he say to you?”

  He instinctively recoiled from telling her the whole story. He’d wait until another time, since he’d already been put through the revelation wringer tonight. “As usual, he talked about my mom and what happened the day she died. I began to understand why he started drinking, and I realized you were right.”

  “About the importance of dealing with your grief?”

  “Yeah, and about me heading down the same path as my dad. The night after Caleb died, I went to my father’s favorite hangout and tied one on. Sam had to drive me home from the bar and put me to bed, the same way I’ve been putting Ben to bed for years. I just wanted to be numb. But eventually that numbness wears off, and you still have to face the reasons behind the drinking when you sober up.”

  “You faced those reasons tonight, Matt, and I know how much that cost you. But maybe now you’re ready to move forward.”

  He stared at the ceiling and geared up for one final admission. “I don’t know how to do that without you, Rachel. Am I just supposed to forget our life together?”

  “I don’t believe we can forget that,” she said. “But we’re both capable of going on without each other. We have to decide if that’s what we want to do.”

  That was the last thing he wanted, but he couldn’t be completely selfish in this case. “I want to work this out between us. But I love you enough to let you go, if that’s what you want.”

  “I don’t want that at all.” She strode across the aisle and threw her arms around him. “I’m so sorry I doubted you.”

  He held her close for a time before he pulled back and studied her eyes. “I love you so damn much, baby. I can’t imagine not having you in my life.”

  “I love you, too, Matt. I love you for saying goodbye to our son when I couldn’t.”

  “As hard as it was to do that, I don’t regret those last few minutes. But I’ll always regret I couldn’t do more to save him. Fathers are supposed to protect their children. That day, I felt like I’d failed you both.”

  “You didn’t fail us, Matt. My body failed f
or whatever reason. But I’ve made a conscious effort to stop blaming myself, and I want you to do the same.”

  “I’m trying, sweetheart.” He was about to commit to something he hadn’t been able to commit to until now. “And I want to do everything possible to make you happy. That means giving you the one thing you want more than anything.”

  She attempted a shaky smile. “Another closet for my shoes?”

  He kissed her damp cheek and smiled back. “A baby. I figure if you’re willing to take the chance after everything you went through, then I should be willing to do the same. I’ve finally convinced myself that with your help, I can be a good father. I want to try.”

  The light that had been missing in her eyes finally returned. “Are you absolutely sure?”

  “Yeah, I am. If you think I’m still worthy.”

  “You’re more than worthy. But you might question my worthiness after what I’ve done.”

  He couldn’t come up with one instance where he wouldn’t forgive her. “What do you mean?”

  She looked away for a second before bringing her gaze back to his. “When I became pregnant with Caleb, it wasn’t an accident. I intentionally missed a few pills.”

  He’d suspected as much. “I thought that might’ve been the case.”

  “You did?”

  “Yeah, and I didn’t really care at the time. If you hadn’t forced the issue, I would’ve kept putting it off. I was a little stunned at first, but watching the baby grow in your belly and seeing how happy you were, I started to get used to the idea. I even found myself imagining what he would be like.”

  She framed his jaw in her palm. “He would have been just like you. Strong. Compassionate. And, of course, incredibly cute.”

  “Cute, huh?”

  “Yes, cute.”

  He brushed a kiss across her lips. “Why don’t we go back to the cabin this weekend and get started on the baby making?”

  “Well, first of all, Sam and Savannah are getting married this weekend.”

  Damn his friends’ poor timing. “Guess we can’t bow out, since we’re in the wedding party.”

  “No, we can’t. And secondly, we already have a head start on the baby making.”

  He wasn’t exactly sure what she was getting at, but he had his suspicions. “Do you think you might be pregnant?”

  “No, I don’t think I am. I know I am. I took the test the day before we left for Wayhurst. I planned to tell you the other night at the cabin, but when you said—”

  “I couldn’t go through it again.” He waited for the initial fear to subside before calm took its place. “Not only can I go through it again, I want to do it. But I’ve got to warn you, I’m going to worry you to death the whole time. And you’re going to see a doctor in Jackson.”

  “I plan to schedule an appointment first thing in the morning, as soon as I’m back at work at the clinic.”

  “You don’t have to go back to work.”

  She frowned. “Don’t go all archaic on me. I want to go back to work.”

  “Then let me keep Tina on staff to help you out.”

  “You just like having a blonde gracing the office.”

  “Not a chance, sweetheart. I prefer brunettes. Actually, only one brunette, and she just made me one damn happy man.”

  He kissed her to demonstrate his gratitude. To let her know that even after all this time, she was the only woman he’d ever wanted. The only woman he’d ever want.

  “I have another question,” Rachel said when they broke the kiss. “Can we get another dog?”

  Matt grinned. “I’ll do one better than that.” He took her by the hand and led her to the foaling stall. “This little filly was supposed to be your birthday present, but since you’re coming back here, I probably couldn’t keep her hidden for the next month.”

  Her eyes went wide with wonder. “She’s absolutely beautiful, Matt. What’s her name?”

  “We’ll have to give her the fancy name when we register her, but I figure we can decide on a barn name now. If she turns out to be like her mother, we should probably call her Mouthy. That mare can talk up a blue streak, and she’s loud.”

  “That gives me a great idea,” she said. “Since her coat is black and since she could very well be a talker, we can call her Rita.”

  Matt let go a laugh that echoed in the barn and caused the foal to skitter around to the opposite side of her mother. “Rita it is.”

  Rachel laid a quick, light kiss on his lips and smiled. “Now that we have that cleared up, what’s next?”

  “Let’s go home.”

  * * *

  RACHEL WAS SO GLAD to be home, back in her own bed. Back in the arms of the man she loved.

  A slight breeze filtered through the open window, lightly touching her bare skin as softly as Matt had touched her only moments ago. They’d made love so slowly and sweetly, as if they had all the time in the world. She felt as if they did, though they still had a long way to go to right the wrongs. To heal the hurts.

  The bedside lamp they’d left on allowed Rachel to see her husband’s beautiful face turned profile to her. And from the way he was staring at the ceiling, she sensed something was still on his mind. “A quarter for your thoughts.”

  “Not a penny?”

  “I’m accounting for inflation.”

  He smiled slightly, but it quickly dropped out of sight. “I was just thinking about everything that went down today. The planets that rule confessions must’ve been perfectly aligned.”

  That reminded Rachel of another confession, one that would definitely lighten the mood. “I forgot to tell you that my father has a lady friend.”

  His smile returned full force. “Oh, yeah?”

  “Yeah. Believe me, I was more than a little stunned to hear it. But after thirty-one years, he deserves to have someone special in his life.”

  “She’s got to be pretty special to put up with Edwin Wainwright.”

  She playfully punched his arm. “Be nice.”

  She then recapped the rest of the father-daughter conversation, from her dad’s impending move to Florida and support of Matt’s decision to his determination to make amends to the townsfolk he’d mistreated through his financial dealings. She closed with the offer that could send her husband back over the edge. “He wants me to take over as bank president.”

  “Are you going to do it?” he asked with unusual calm.

  “Not in the foreseeable future with a baby on the way.”

  “If you decide to go through with it, we’ll work it out. The good citizens of Placid would be glad to have someone like you on their side.”

  Rachel was glad to have his support. She lifted her head from the pillow and laid it on his chest. “Thank you for understanding, but taking care of myself and this baby will be my number one priority for the next eight months. And I’ll manage to take care of your needs, as well.”

  “We’ll take care of each other.” He sighed. “If you think about it, my dad and yours aren’t all that different. Mine dealt with losing his wife by taking up residence in a bottle, and yours dealt with his loss by trying to buy every resident in town.”

  “So true. But you can’t deny they loved the women in their lives. And they both love us, too.”

  “My father did love my mother to a fault. So much so he did something I never imagined he could do.”

  To say she was only mildly curious would be a grave understatement. Yet she knew better than to pressure him as she had over the past few months. “If you want to talk about it, I’m listening.”

  “It’s pretty tough to hear. At least it was for me.”

  “I can handle it.” But could he handle telling her after what he’d already been through tonight?

  “He gave me the details about the day she died,” he went on to say. “All the details he’d left out for years. Then again, I hadn’t asked. I think somehow I knew there was more to the story.”

  She had a sickening feeling she might already kn
ow the rest of the story. “Go ahead.”

  He waited a few moments before he continued. “My mother took her own life, and he knew she was going to do it. In fact, he helped by leaving an open bottle of painkillers so she’d have access.”

  And she’d just thought he couldn’t be hurt any worse. “Oh, Matt. Why did he wait all this time to tell you something like that?”

  “He told me he was trying to protect me.”

  Yet Ben had failed to protect his son from becoming an adult too soon. “Do you believe him?”

  “Yeah, I do, because that’s what I thought I was doing for you. Protecting you from the truth.”

  “And you were trying to protect yourself from the pain, as well. I understand that now.”

  “You’re right. And honestly, I’m glad he waited. I’m not sure I would’ve taken that truth all that well at thirteen. Hell, it’s not easy to take it at thirty-two.”

  The despair in his voice clearly pointed to that. She pressed a kiss on his jaw. “Now that you know, how do you feel about her decision?”

  “It’s hard to say. I’m in a line of work where it’s acceptable to put a sick animal out of its misery to end its suffering. At one time I even believed that maybe it would be better if terminally ill people had that same choice.”

  “But not now?”

  “As selfish as it seems, I can’t wrap my mind around someone intentionally ending their life. Not after watching my son draw his last breath when all I wanted was for him to live. When all I ever wanted was to have my mom back.”

  As he closed his eyes, Rachel witnessed something she’d never seen before. A single teardrop slid down his cheek, followed by another and then another. When he rolled toward her, she cocooned him in her arms while he cried, her tears mixed with his.

  Her heart broke for the little boy who’d never really mourned his mother’s passing. For the man who was finally mourning his son.