The Only Man for Her Page 18

  He leveled his gaze on hers. “What about last night? Did you make love with me because you wanted me, or was it only because I happened to be available to scratch your itch?”

  That hurt more than he could ever know. “I told you I love you, and I meant it. But that doesn’t make it all better.”

  “No kidding.”

  She hated his sarcasm, the abject pain in his blue eyes. “I was foolish to believe we could settle everything in a weekend.”

  “I don’t care if it takes all damn night. Let’s settle it now. Tell me what you want, Rachel. Tell me what I have to do to make it better. I swear to God I’ll try.”

  She considered several requests, but chose the easiest one first. “You can go with me to the grief-counseling sessions.”

  His scowl told her she’d already lost round one. “I’m going to have my hands full trying to convince my dad to go to AA meetings. I might even have to drag him there, kicking and screaming.”

  “I understand the importance of that, but isn’t your own mental well-being just as important? If you don’t come to terms with your own grief, you might end up needing those AA meetings, too.”

  His expression went cold, unforgiving. “I don’t need to drink to deal with a damn thing. I haven’t had a drop the whole time we’ve been here, in case you haven’t noticed. And, lady, if I’ve ever had cause to tip a few back, this state of limbo you’ve been keeping me in is a mighty good reason.”

  His continued denial worried her almost as much as his response to her next appeal. “Okay, if you want to know what I really need, it’s another baby. Are you on board with that?”

  “A lot of couples decide not to have kids and they do fine.”

  That was the first time he’d brought up that argument against procreating. “Why are you so afraid of being a father? You definitely have the skills to succeed. I remember the day Sam was trying to learn how to put a diaper on Jamie. You told him it wasn’t rocket science and had it accomplished in seconds. You’re great with all our friends’ kids.”

  “The operative words are friends’ kids,” he said. “I don’t have complete responsibility for their well-being.”

  “Look, I know you had that responsibility growing up when you had to parent your father. But it would be different with our own children.”

  “I’d probably screw that up, too.”

  Now they were getting to the crux of the matter. “You didn’t screw up your dad. He did that all by himself.”

  He studied her for a long moment, questions in his eyes. “Aren’t you even the least bit afraid of the risk you might be taking with another pregnancy?”

  “Only a slight risk, according to my doctor. And yes, it’s still scary, but not scary enough give up on trying again. I refuse to let fear paralyze me and prevent me from living.”

  He pushed himself off the bed and began to pace, hands laced together behind his neck. “You don’t understand what it was like for me the morning you gave birth, Rachel. If you did, you wouldn’t ask me to go through it again.”

  “How can I understand when you won’t talk to me about it?”

  He stopped at the French doors and kept his back to her. “Believe me, you don’t want to know what really happened. If you did, you’d hate me.”

  Alarms rang out in her head, while her heart told her to let it be. But she couldn’t do that. “I want to know, Matt. I have to know. You owe me that much.”

  He turned toward her, looking resigned. “Fine. I’ll tell you the whole truth. I’ll despise every minute of it, but I’ll lay it all out on the line.”

  She wanted to ask him to sit beside her again, to hold her in case the truth was too much to handle. Yet something in his demeanor and tone told her she might not want him near her when all was said and done. “I’m ready.”

  He dropped into the chair and leaned back to stare at the ceiling. “Do you remember when I told you the medevac helicopter had been delayed?”

  “Vaguely. That’s why they decided to deliver the baby at County, because he was in trouble.”

  He finally met her gaze. “You were in more trouble. That’s why they asked me to decide what came next. Either deliver the baby at County immediately to prevent the eclampsia from worsening or wait at least twenty more minutes to transfer you both to Jackson where they were better equipped to handle a premature infant.”

  Her head began to spin as she tried to sort through the admission. “What are you saying, Matt?”

  “I’m saying I chose to save you.”

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  “YOU BASTARD.”

  He wasn’t surprised by the venom in her voice, but he hadn’t prepared for the unmistakable loathing in her eyes. “I know you’re furious, but—”

  “Can you blame me? You promised me, Matt. You promised you’d save our son no matter what.”

  He wasn’t getting through to her, and worse, he wasn’t sure he ever would. “I did the only thing I could do, Rachel. I had only a matter of minutes to decide.” Both the longest and shortest minutes of his life.

  She fisted her hand against her chest as tears streamed down her cheeks. “Oh, God. If you’d only waited for the helicopter, waited twenty more minutes, my baby might still be alive.”

  “But you might not be, and I couldn’t take that chance. I couldn’t stand the thought of losing you.” He’d probably lost her anyway.

  When her face went pale and she began to sway, he rushed to her side to take her arm, only to have her yank out of his grasp. “Don’t…touch…me.”

  He held his hands up, palms forward, and backed away. “Fine. Just sit down and let me get you some water.”

  “I don’t want any water.” She claimed a place on the edge of the bed, her shoulders slumped as if all the energy had seeped out of her. “I want to know how you could have gone all these months without telling me the truth. I want to know what gave you the right to decide the fate of our child without consulting me.”

  She evidently had no recollection of how sick she’d been. “You were sedated and couldn’t give consent. The responsibility fell on me.”

  Her laugh was caustic, cutting. “And we both know how much you adore responsibility. Now that I think about it, the decision was probably easy for you. You never really wanted a baby in the first place.”

  She might as well have punched him in the gut. He’d like to think her anger was doing the talking. That she really didn’t believe he would be that coldhearted. “Easy? It was the worst thing I’ve ever been through in my life. If you only knew…” He just couldn’t go there right now. If he did, he might lose it.

  “Knew what, Matthew?”

  “Since that day, I’ve been second-guessing myself for months. Should I have taken you to Jackson myself when we first thought you were in labor? Should I have prayed harder? Should I have been a better husband? A better son? A better person? I began to realize that no matter what I did or didn’t do, time wasn’t on our side that day.”

  “And it’s time for you to go.” She grabbed his duffel from the bureau and hurled it at him. “I can’t deal with this right now. I can’t even look at you. I just want you to leave me alone.”

  He’d give her space tonight and hope that she’d calm down enough to talk about it again tomorrow. Maybe she’d find some way to understand, even if she couldn’t forgive him. “Fine. I’ll see you in the morning.”

  “I want you gone first thing in the morning.”

  “I’m not leaving you here without the means to get back to Placid.”

  “I’ll find my way home.”

  But not her way back to him. He came to his feet, bag in hand, his hope in shambles. “You have to give me another chance, baby.”

  She raised her chin and sent him a determined look. “I don’t have to do anything, Matthew. You’ve already told me all I need to know.”

  And just as he’d predicted, she hated him for it.

  As he turned to go, Rachel called him back. He faced her
to discover she was removing her wedding band with shaking fingers. Then she walked over and handed him the ring she’d worn for almost fourteen years. “I don’t want this anymore.”

  Meaning she didn’t want him. Meaning that everything they’d accomplished this weekend, every word they’d said, every moment they’d made love, had been for naught.

  Without another word, he left the master bedroom and bypassed the guest room on his way to the den, a crushing weight in his chest. He couldn’t stay in this cabin one more minute now that the good memories had been tainted by the bad. Before he left, he found a pen and paper on the kitchen island and jotted down a few parting thoughts to his wife.

  Then he twisted the front-door key off his key ring, laid it on the note and said a silent send-off to their shared past one last time. If Rachel didn’t come around, he’d be forced to say goodbye to their future, once and for all.

  * * *

  AFTER A VIRTUALLY sleepless night, Rachel had awoken that morning to find Matt gone. Aside from the key and note he’d left behind, it was as if he’d never been there and all the moments they’d spent together had only been an illusion. Yet the cold, hard truth had been real and so was the constant ache in her heart.

  Several hours ago, she’d packed her bag and almost called Helen to request a ride to Knoxville to pick up a rental car. But she’d been too ashamed to admit that Helen’s good advice had gone to waste. Instead, she’d thrown herself on Rita Kendrick’s mercy. During the hour drive, Rita had launched into a lengthy diatribe on how Helen had “stolen” her butter-beans recipe for inclusion in the church cookbook. Fortunately, the women had made up the evening before. She wished she could say the same for her and Matt.

  Though her eardrums had suffered for it, the conversation had kept her mind off her troubles. Yet the moment she’d hit the interstate for her return home, Matt’s written words kept rolling through her mind.

  The cabin’s yours, and all that’s in it. No matter what happens from this point forward, whether you find a way to forgive me or not, I still love you. I always will. M

  She still loved him, too. But she didn’t know if she could forgive him, even after seven hours of contemplation.

  She pulled into the drive at the guesthouse at half past six, bone weary and still worried over the decision she’d made. A hot meal, a warm bath and a good book would help ease some of her suffering, at least until she climbed into bed alone.

  She unlocked the door, entered the living room…and nearly jumped out of her skin when she saw the figure seated in the chair next to the floor lamp she’d left on. Her palm immediately came to rest on her hammering heart that slowed only when she identified the mystery intruder. “You almost scared me to death, Dad.”

  He stood. “I’m sorry, princess. I should have met you at the car when I saw you drive up.”

  She set her purse and keys on the coffee table and her overnight bag on the floor. “How did you know I’d be here?”

  “Zelda informed me you’ve been living here for several weeks,” he said as he stood. “And Matthew called me this morning.”

  She resented her father’s domestic spy. She resented her husband’s interference and his probable attempt to win her father over to his side. “What did he say?”

  He adjusted his tie, a sure sign of discomfort, before he slipped his hands into his pockets. “He said very little other than he expected you to return this evening and requested I make certain you’re all right. Are you all right?”

  “No, I’m not. I’m not sure I’ll ever be all right again.”

  “If you need to talk about it, I’m here.”

  As the emotional dam began to crack, one fissure at a time, she crossed the room, seeking her father’s comfort as she had many times before. But rarely when it came to problems with her husband.

  He opened his arms to her, held her close as she dampened the lapels of his navy sports coat. She let it all out, cried until she felt as if she had nothing left and her tears turned to soft sobs.

  When she finally lifted her head from his shoulder, he pulled a handkerchief from his inside pocket and offered it to her. “Let’s have a seat and sort this out.”

  She wiped her eyes and nose as she joined him on the sofa. “I’m sorry,” she said. “That outburst has been coming for most of the day.” In reality, much longer than that.

  He draped his arm over the back of the couch. “No need to apologize. I am concerned over what’s causing your distress. What has Matthew done to you?”

  So much for the theory Matt had tried to recruit her own flesh and blood. “It’s a long story and complicated.”

  “I have all the time in the world to listen.”

  She shored up her strength and spilled the history from the past few months, covering Matt’s drinking, the impending divorce, the almost reconciliation and the final blow—her husband’s decision the day their son died.

  When Edwin remained silent for a few moments, Rachel assumed he was about to impart words of wisdom that most likely would include leaving the man who’d married her without his permission. He shattered her assumptions when he said, “I can’t fault Matthew for the choice he made. I told him that very thing when he called me that morning.”

  Her mouth dropped open from shock. “You knew about it?”

  “Yes.”

  “Why didn’t you tell me? Better still, why didn’t you talk Matthew out of it?”

  “Matthew called me after the fact. But if he had asked me, I would have supported him in the decision.”

  The two men she loved most had betrayed her. Their need to protect her had cost her the most precious thing in her life. “You would have agreed even if it wasn’t what I wanted?”

  He crossed one leg over the other and stared out the picture window toward the pool. “What I’m about to say might seem cruel, but it needs to be said.”

  “Go ahead. It can’t be any crueler than you and my husband concealing the truth from me.”

  He sighed. “I never had the option to save your mother. The aneurysm ruptured during your birth, and by the time they detected it, she was already gone. And as much as I love you now, I blamed you for her death back then. So much so I didn’t touch you for the first three months of your life.”

  Would the stunning secrets never end? “What made you finally come around?”

  “Not what. Who. Your first nanny, Betty. One day she handed you to me and said it was high time I be a father to you. Then she announced she was taking Dalton to the park and she left me holding a child that I sadly resented.” He paused for a moment, as if it pained him to continue. “I was certain you’d start crying to punish me for my sins. But you just stared at me with eyes that are so much like your mother’s, and you smiled. In that moment, I realized I would move mountains for you.”

  She experienced another onslaught of emotion, coupled with the realization that maybe she’d been too hard on him. She leaned in to give him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. “Would it make you feel better if I told you that your actions left no permanent scars?”

  “You’d make me feel better if you’d find some way to forgive your husband. If you’d seen him that afternoon, when we went to make arrangements for the service, you would have seen absolute torture on his face, especially when he told the funeral director he wanted the baby to be buried next to his mother.”

  And she’d thought she was all cried out. “I’ve said some terrible things to him, Dad. Things I can never take back. I’ve laid so much blame on him and he didn’t deserve it.”

  “He’ll let bygones be bygones because he loves you, Rachel. He, too, would do anything for you.”

  Except for giving her the child she wanted. But he had given her that, which led to the most compelling problem still standing in their way. “He doesn’t want any more children, and I do.”

  “He’s afraid and I can’t blame him. When I learned you were pregnant, at first I was terrified something might happen to you. Matt needs tim
e to realize that some rewards are attached to risks, yet the payoff can be worth it. Just look at what a remarkable woman you’ve become in spite of me.”

  She felt anything but remarkable at the moment. “Time is a luxury we don’t have,” she said. “I’m already pregnant.”

  It was the normally unflappable Edwin Wainwright’s turn to be shocked. “Is Matthew aware of this?”

  She shook her head. “Not yet. I planned to tell him last night at the cabin, but when I asked him if he’d be willing to have another child, he insisted he couldn’t go through it again. That’s when I basically cut him off at the knees and refused to hear anything else. I gave him back my wedding ring and told him to leave.”

  “You’re going to have to tell him soon, princess.”

  “I know that. I need a few days to prepare.”

  “Don’t wait too long. Wasted time can lead to misery.”

  She had the misery down pat. “How was your trip?” she asked, badly needing a lighter topic to discuss.

  He grinned as she’d never seen him grin before. Even with his silver hair, he looked years younger. “Very fruitful. I purchased a condominium where I hope to retire next year.”

  She was quickly reaching revelation overload. “You’re going to move away from Placid? And why so soon?”

  His gaze drifted away. “Because I’ve met someone. She’s the property manager at the condominium complex. Her name is June.”

  That certainly explained the schoolboy smile. “Is it serious?”

  “You could say that. I’m going back to Florida in a couple of days and she’ll be flying back with me next week.”

  She couldn’t wait to see the woman who’d so obviously melted her father’s hardened heart. “I look forward to meeting her.”

  “And she said the same about you.” He released a brief laugh. “Rather ironic it took me thirty-one years to fall in love again, isn’t it?”

  “I’m thrilled for you, Dad. After everything that’s happened, you deserve some happiness.”